First you finds a place in yo neighbor's back yard that is nice and flat. Then you lays out a recktangle ('bout 4 feet by 7 feet) and put two courses of cinder block on three sides, leaving one of the 4 foot sides open. Then you gets two 25 lb bags of charcoal and you starts a far (hillbilly for fire) with the first bag..........making sure you enough away from yo neighbor's house so the far department don't need to get involved.
On toppa the cinder blocks you put a nice strong wire grate/grill on which you gone put near 'bout thutty pound of baby back ribbys (you can get good ones at Sam's or BJ's warehouse).
In yo han now you got a shovel and you gone shovel somma the charcoal from the far which you built a while back in under that grate and spread it out............no need to put all the charcoal, that'd make it too hot, hot on the ribbys.
Now that grate with them ribbys should be about 15 or so anches (inches) from the coals and when you open the flat of yo hand over that grill, you ort to be able to leave yo han over the grate/grill for near 'bout ten seconds before you have to take it away.
Recomember now, you want to cook these ribbys slow, slow. You gone turn them ribbys over about every haf hour. Be sure and don't leave them too long on the meaty side. This thutty pound should take near 'bout three hours, maybe a little less. If they seem to be cooking too fast, back off on the far a bit. You ain't in no hurry or you wouldn't be doing this cooking thisaway. That first 25 lb bag of charcoal gone last 'bout haf way, or a little more, through the cooking. You gots to shovel more charcoal under the grate/grill about every 15 to 20 minutes or so and check the heat with yo han so it stays jest right. At about 1 hour and 15 min into the cooking you might want to look into starting that nother 25 bag of charcoal. You ain't gone use alla that nother bag but one bag probably ain't quite enough. Try using haf to three fourths of that nother bag if you are a cheap soul.
Now whilst you managing the charcoal, the shovel, yo han, and them ribbys, you gone be sipping on some good bourbon. But, you got three hours to go when you start, so sip slow, slow, else you might disturb yo neighbor with yo singing. It goes bestest if one or three of yo drinking buddies is sipping along with you and when you get tired and hot, han them the shovel for a while..............you still gotta do the han checking though.
Got yo watch on? Good, cause you gone need it. Every 15 minutes you gone brush either some bourbon or some apple juice on them ribbys, alternating each one ater other. If you got some applewood chips you could just toss them on the charcoal for a little xtry smoke too also.
Now about two hours and a haf into this affair, if the far department ain't had to be summoned, and you ain't disturbed yo neighbour with yo singing, you can put the bourbon and apple juice away and pull out some Eyetalian Dressing (same as for salads) and spread somma that on the ribbys. You also gone also sprinkle a gracious plenty of seasoned salt and garlic powder on the ribbys too. You gone do this a time or two in that last haf hour.
Now you can take them ribbys, which will look and smell just beautiful, cut them up for yo guests (thutty pound will feed neigh on to thutty peeps and don't fergit the cole slaw and baked beans........give Mike Veach a few days notice so he can make you somma his bourbon baked beans) and be prepared for them to say they ain't never, never, had better ribbys, no way, no time, no how. Don't let them see the Pappy you been asipping, else they gone say they want a swig, and being as they guests, you obliged to give it 'em. If you have any lef, they freeze real good and you can take a few to work in yo lunch pail when you go back in the mine.
Make sure you give a couple of ribbys to yo neighbor and tell him you gone see to them cinder blocks and his yard sometime next week!